Here's your sign

After snapping 3 pictures at Pugh's Mill Park, my camera said that the memory card was full and it refused to do anything else.  I knew this was a lie because I always delete all the pictures from the memory card as soon as I upload them.  I had no choice but to use my iPhone for the Old Mill pictures and this made me cranky because the park was beautiful and I had no zoom.

Pugh's Mill Park is in North Little Rock and is actually a life size sculpture of an old grist mill.  The actual mill mechanism is authentic from the 1800s, but the mill house, bridges, rocks, and the rest of the grounds are completely man made.  It was never a working mill but you couldn't tell by looking.  The Old Mill's claim to fame is that it appears in the opening credits of Gone With The Wind for a whopping 8 seconds.

I'm so glad we came here, it made me want to rush home and start sculpting a stage set out of concrete for Dennis's next sermon.  Not that I've ever sculpted out of concrete but I have the gift of reverse engineering so I'm sure I could do it.  I also have the gift (curse) of thinking that I can do something just because I've seen it done once.  I watched a brain surgery on Discovery Health once so I'm sure I could do it.  It's all about having the right tools.

After the Mill, we stopped and got a new memory card for the camera (which seemed to solve the problem) and made our way toward Harrison.  Conway, AR was on our route so we made an effort to find Toad Suck Park (just because the name is funny) but gave up after about 5 minutes because we were hungry.  We went in search of food and found an Old Chicago Pizza place.   Taylor and I had to go to the little girls' room and we were entertained by the pictures on the bathroom doors.  I whipped out my phone to take a picture of the men's room door and just as I was poised to snap, the door started to open.  I swung around and ran into the ladies room and shut the door as fast as I could.  Taylor was cracking up and said she'd never seen me get embarrassed like that and run from a situation.  I was more embarrassed for the poor guy coming out of the bathroom than I was for me.  Since I am constantly finding myself in embarrassing situations of my own making, I am rarely phased by them anymore.  But I just hated for some poor guy to step out of the bathroom and find himself face to face with my phone's camera.  Once he cleared the hallway, I got my picture.

Did you know that Conway, AR is the church capital of the world?  Conway probably doesn't even know it but I kid you not, I have never in my life seen so many big churches in such a small area.  They're everywhere, all denominations, they're huge, and they're obviously trying to out-steeple each other.  There's also a huge Young Life center in the middle of town.  We decided that Conway is not a place the Green family would like to live.  All the churches and Christianness just plain creeped us out.

Just outside of Conway is a little burg called Pickles Gap, AR.  It is full of flea markets and antique malls and if I wasn't carrying so much baggage with me (namely Jayson & Taylor) I could have spent the entire day there.  On the side of the road there was a sign advertising a flea market/antique store called "Fleas & Tiques".  I thought that was just brilliant.

As we continued our journey we discovered that it wasn't just Conway that had the church problem, the whole dang state is back to back churches.  Not that that's a bad thing, it's just an unusual thing.  I guess I should think of it as a good thing but for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on, I found it to be creepy...similar to the way I feel about bubbly, perky, happy people.  They may be 100% genuine but I can't help but think they're hiding something behind all that happiness.  Something like a torture chamber in their basement.  That kind of happiness just isn't natural.

As we neared Clinton, AR it started pouring down rain and I also started seeing big billboards advertising the "Natural Bridge of Arkansas".  Somehow this little jewel escaped my cheesy roadside attraction radar so we had to stop to see what it was all about.  I'm glad we did, it was actually pretty cool.  You can't really gauge the size from the picture but the thing is huge.

We saw another entertaining sign on the highway but unfortunately we passed too quickly for me to get a picture.  We were on some very steep and winding roads and at one point we had been going downhill in such a way that I was sure we were going to run into either the earth's core or Raquel Welch.  It was along this downhill stretch that we saw a sign that said "Runaway Truck Ramp Ahead".  The fact that we were on a road that had a need for a runaway truck ramp was slightly disturbing.  A little further down, sure enough, there was the ramp and the sign beside it said "Runaway Vehicles Only".  I don't know why I find things like that hilarious but I really do.

Texas doesn't have trees.  Not really.  Or at least not north Texas.  We have mesquite trees which are just weeds that got out of hand.  When we moved to Louisiana I thought we had hit the tree lottery.  They're everywhere, even lining the sides of the highways.  We thought this was so cool.  But Arkansas trumps Louisiana in the tree department.  They've got trees out the wazoo.  I've often wondered what would happen if the earth's forests could no longer sustain the consumption of our wood products.  I am not longer concerned about that.  Arkansas has us covered.  They could loan trees to the Amazon.  Seriously, there are are a lot of trees here.

Someone pointed out to me that while we were in Hot Springs and I was marveling at the lack of size of the Ozarks, I was not actually seeing the Ozarks.  Those were the Ouachita Mountains.  My bad.  Today I am sure I am seeing the Ozarks and they aren't much bigger than the Ouachita Mountains.  In fact, I'm not certain they're really mountains at all.  I think they're just piles of kudzu that got out of control.

We checked into our hotel in Harrison and met one guy from Lafayette and another from Baton Rouge.  Then we had dinner at a place called The Ol' Rockhouse.  It was fantastic, I would recommend it if you're in the area.  I was a little worried at first because it was dark inside and I'm convinced that dark restaurants are that way on purpose so they can hide the yuckiness of their food.  This one was an exception, the food was great and you just can't beat the ambiance of a faux fire plugged in next to your table.

What day is it? Where are we?

This morning we ate plastic eggs compliments of the Holiday Inn Express in North Little Rock while watching the host of some Arkansas morning show explain the difference between varicose veins and spider veins, complete with pictures of "bulky varicosity".  If our morning sets the tone for the rest of the day, we're in for a treat!

Our tentative plan which can change on a whim (or with the onset of an IBS attack, which is more likely) will be to head to Pugh's Mill Park followed by Toad Suck Park in Conway...thank you Susan and Jennifer!!  Then we'll make our way to Harrison unless something else catches our eye along the way.

I haven't planned any further in advance than that, but I did learn how to update my blog via iPhone so I may have to give that a try.  I don't know how that will work since I tend to get wordy and typing on an iPhone is similar to Chinese water torture.

I included this picture of Taylor in the stockades because that's probably how she feels about now.  Jayson and I give out at about 8:30 every night and I swear I can hear her eyes rolling at us from across the room.

Jayson's Inner Kelly Clarkson

Not a lot of excitement today.  We slept in a little then hopped in the car and headed toward Redfield for lunch.  Along the way I spotted a little point of interest in Benton, AR that I at least wanted a picture of.  It's the world's only building made from bauxite which is a beautifully colored aluminum ore.

We pulled into Redfield just in time for lunch and made our way over to the Mammoth Orange Cafe.  It looks just like it does in the pictures I've seen!  The food and atmosphere are exactly like every Dixie Dog, Tastee Freez or small town Dairy Queen on the planet.  The Green Family walked in, sat down, and immediately whipped out our cell phones to take pictures, update our FB status and answer a few texts.  At the same time, a rippling silence fell across the Mammoth Orange as its people detected alien beings in their midst.  The deafening silence caught my attention and when I scanned the diner I saw that we had no hope of blending in with these plaid clad patrons.  I didn't even know you could still buy shirts with pearly snaps on them.  Or maybe you can't.

They had some background music playing but I wasn't really even aware of what it was.  Maybe country music, I'm not sure.  Jayson started singing along and Taylor got all embarrassed and told him to stop.  I told her to lighten up, we're on vacation and Daddy is just having a little fun.  Taylor said, "Omigosh, Mom, you don't know what it's like!!  When you're not home Daddy will bust out into a Kelly Clarkson song for no reason!" Wow.  I had no idea.  I hope CPS doesn't get wind of that.

Our food was good, nothing spectacular, just good.  It reminded me a lot of Gene's Tasty Burger back home but with less grease.  Everything I've read about the Mammoth Orange said to make sure you have a milkshake so we got one to go before we left.  Omigosh.  That was the most fantastic chocolate shake I've ever had.  I'm not sure what that girl put in it but the flavor was perfect and the consistency was exactly as it should be...not too thick, not too thin.  I hope we can make it back through there on the way home.  I want a butterscotch shake.

A few minutes later we cruised into North Little Rock and landed at the Old State House Museum.  It's a beautiful building that used to be the state capital but now has some interesting exhibits.  One is called "Badges, Bandits and Bars" and is all about Arkansas law and justice.  We got to see 2 retired electric chairs, Old Sparky I and Old Sparky II, as well as the Tucker Telephone and other torture devices from Tucker Prison.  That's just fun for the whole family!  They had information on lots of local criminals and gangsters which made us feel all smart and educated since we already learned about most of them at the Gangster Museum.

As soon as you step into some of the rooms in the museum, a recording automatically starts playing and tells you about the things you're looking at.  Poor Taylor seemed to forget about that from room to room because every time it happened she jumped 10 feet off the ground then crouched down and covered the back of her head like a 3rd grader in a tornado drill.  She's a jumpy little thing but then so is her mama.

It rained pretty good this afternoon but hopefully tomorrow it will be dry enough for us to visit Pugh's Mill Park before heading north to Harrison, AR.  I keep looking over my shoulder half expecting to run into Tim & Trish again.  Our luck, they'll show up the next time we're caught in an embarrassing situation...or when we're naked.  But that won't happen because we've vowed to never be naked again.

The Road to Little Rock

We have a somewhat leisurely day planned as we head to Little Rock by way of Redfield.  One of the things I'm most looking forward to on this trip is having a milkshake at the Mammoth Orange Cafe in Redfield, AR. I love small town soda fountain/cafes like that and they are an endangered species.

There's not a whole lot in Little Rock that really catches my eye, which is odd, but then again maybe not.  Being the state capital, there's all kinds of stuff to do and see and visit but it's regular stuff like you can see in any other town.  I want offbeat, quirky stuff that we will remember, not just another museum that we will get confused with all the other museums we've seen.

We might actually visit the Old State House Museum because one of their current exhibits is about the "history of Arkansas law and justice".  That's the blurb on their website which sounds like a big snoozer to me.  After a little further digging, I found that this exhibit includes Old Sparky I and II (retired electric chairs), an actual jail cell, and torture devices such as the Tucker Telephone.  Now that's something we can sink our teeth into!  I'm not really into all that stuff but Jayson is and there's this art thing that I really want to see in Eureka Springs that I haven't told him about yet.  So...this is not about electric chairs, it's about leverage.

Those who think I'm being devious and manipulative are obviously single.  All the married women reading this are giving me virtual high fives with a fist pump.

Mini Mountains, Strip Karaoke, and Serge the Bathing Attendant

We started off our morning with a short drive to the Hot Springs Mountain in the Hot Springs National Park to go to the top of the Hot Springs Mountain Tower where we can see 140 miles worth of Hot Springs. It wasn't quite like the Victoria Peak Tower but it was nice.

The Ozarks are very pretty with lots of trees but for some reason I expected them to be bigger. I haven't seen a lot of mountains in my lifetime but the ones I have seen are...well...mountains. I've seen the Canadian Rockies and the Swiss Alps and I guess I just assumed that all mountains looked like those. Yeah, not so much. The Ozarks are the Mini Me of the mountain kingdom.

During our drive up  Central Avenue Jayson, Taylor and myself each chose the roach motel we would stay in on our next trip and we each picked out own personal tattoo parlor.  We're not in a bad area of town or anything, but there is a colorful mix of businesses in the area. We were sad that we wouldn't be able to visit one "gentleman's club" that advertised strip karaoke.

After admiring the view from the tower, we drove up the street to the Gangster Museum.  Just the name of it screams cheesy fun.  It delivered about what we expected which wasn't a whole lot.  We did learn a lot of fun facts about some well known gangsters, one being how a lot of them came to Hot Springs to have their syphilis treated in the thermal waters. My life has been enriched by that little factoid.

Taylor wasn't very impressed with the Gangster Museum because she thought we said "gangsta" so she was expecting this whole hip hop experience which she did not get.  But at the end we got to take some pictures with a big plaster Al Capone which made the whole trip to Hot Springs worth it.  We could have spent all day snapping goofy poses with Al.

After the Gangster Museum we decided to grab some lunch so we headed over to Bill Clinton's favorite barbecue place, McClard's Bar-B-Q.  Evidently the McClard family is on vacation so they've locked up the shop for a week.  Plan B was Stubby's Barbecue, a place we spotted on our way into town.  It was pricey but we have enough leftovers for at least another meal, maybe 2.  The meat was excellent, the beans were baked instead of pintos so that's a strike against them and the potato salad was just so-so.  They have this thing called the pot-o-beans which is their baked beans, sauce and ham that's all baked up in this little crockery bowl.  It was pretty darn tasty.

After lunch, it was time for a bath.  We chose the Buckstaff Bathhouse because it is the only one on Bathhouse Row that is still operational.  Recently the Quapaw Bathhouse has opened up but it has been refurbished to be a modern spa.  You can't spit in Hot Springs without hitting some kind of spa that uses the thermal waters, but we really wanted the traditional bathhouse experience.  Okay, so "I" really wanted it and I planned the trip so we went to the Buckstaff.

Before we went, I explained to Taylor that the bathhouses are swimsuit optional and no, this is not inappropriate it's just the way it is. She asked if Jayson and I were taking our swimsuits and we both said no, we're old, we've both had massages and stuff before so we're good.  Or so we thought.  Taylor was completely mortified at the thought of her parents being nude at the bathhouse but we both just rolled our eyes at her and told her to get over it.

We each signed up for the traditional bathing package which includes the whirlpool bath, a hot towel treatment, a sitz bath, the vapor cabinet, a shower and a Swedish massage.  Oh, and your own personal loofah mitt.  We were there for 2 hours and got all that stuff for $55 each.  You don't get the opulence of a fancy day spa but you get the same services at a heck of a price!

Jayson went to the men's area on the first floor while Taylor and I took the old elevator to the women's section on the second floor.  I loved the architecture and decor of the bathhouse which looked to be mostly original. There were some modern fixtures here and there but the bathing area still had what looked like original pipes, tubs and solid marble enclosures around the tubs.  I snapped a quick picture of the dressing room but they don't allow cameras or cell phones in the bathing area.

After we disrobed, we were wrapped in a big sheet toga style and waited for our bathing attendants to come get us.  Mine was Latoya, who has been an attendant at Buckstaff for 6 years and loves her job.  Latoya removed my sheet, helped me into the tub, asked if the water temperature was okay and pointed out the cold mineral water waiting for me on the ledge of the tub.  I am amazed that I can remember any of that since the only thing going through my mind was OMIGOD I'M NAKED I'M NAKED I'M NAKED I'M NAKED OMIGOD OMIGOD!!!

I knew we would be discreetly wrapped as we walked from section to section in the bathing area, but I hadn't given a moment's thought as to how that wrapping would have to be removed as we got in and out of tubs and steam cabinets and sitz baths, etc.  There I was, lying in the crystal clear (and very warm) water listening to Latoya and trying to act like I was naked in front of people all the time.  I was SO glad Taylor wore her swimsuit and I would have given anything for one at that point.

Latoya asked if I was ready for her to start the whirlpool and my heart skipped a beat. Dear God, YES, please give me some bubbles to hide behind!  Oh how I wish I had a picture of the whirlpool device that was hooked up to my tub.  These were old claw footed cast iron tubs that didn't have any kind of fixtures attached to them.  The whirlpool device was a separate unit mounted to the wall and inserted into one end of the tub.  It resembled one of those stick blenders that the chefs on TV use, only a lot bigger.  The top part of it was red and looked just like an old gas can.  I half expected Latoya to pull a string and start that sucker like an outboard motor.

Once I got over the initial trauma of being naked in front of my bathing attendant and worrying about one of my feet getting too close to the whirlpool blender causing me to be instantly pureed, I really enjoyed my 20 minute bath.  Latoya came back in and loofahed my arms, legs and back then wrapped me in screaming hot towels for 10 minutes.  There was an icy cold one over my head so it wasn't unpleasant at all.

Then she walked me over to one of those metal steam cabinets like you see in the movies where just your head sticks out.  I baked in there for about 10 minutes then went to the sitz bath for another 10 minutes.  After that was a cool shower then about a 20 minute massage.  Not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Jayson's bathhouse experience was similar to mine and Taylor's yet oh so different.  He got exactly the same services we got but apparently some of that comes with an ick factor if you're a man.  Jayson called his bathing attendant Serge (a la Beverly Hills Cop) which I am sure is not his real name but it got his point across.  After disrobing, Jayson was handed a sheet to cover up with but when he got to his bath tub, the sheet disappeared and he didn't see it again until he went for his massage.  When he stepped out of the bath tub, Jayson was handed a towel that he wrapped around his waist but the ends didn't quite meet in the front.

Jayson said all the guys were walking around buck naked and there were no privacy curtains.  He didn't even get the little lap towel thing during his sitz bath! He was quite traumatized by all the swinging junk he saw but nothing could come close to the creepiness of being loofahed by another man.  His voice actually broke when he told me that.  Poor baby.  Despite the trauma, he did enjoy the experience and was glad we did it.

Jayson & Taylor finished up a few minutes before I did and when I met them in the lobby they were chatting with Tim and Trish Osborne.  That was just weird.  A person normally doesn't expect to run into their Mission Pastor and his wife at a bathhouse in Arkansas.  I seem to remember hearing someone say something about the Osbornes going to Arkansas but I didn't know exactly where or when since keeping up with Osbornes' travel schedule could be a full time job for someone.  We had a nice chat and discovered that we'll be following the same path to northern Arkansas so we may run into each other again.

I didn't get really creeped out until we got in the car and Jayson started telling me and Taylor about his bathhouse nightmare and I didn't want to ask but I couldn't help but ask if he saw Tim in the tub room.  Fortunately he said no, he never saw Tim in there and I just knew that the hand of God himself had blinded both men so that later they wouldn't have to deal with any kind of naked fallout.

Poor choice of words.