Dear Emoji Makers

Dear Emoji Makers,

Thank you for your fun little characters that we can use to express ourselves in our Facebook PMs when words fail us. I know that half my friends would have no idea how I was feeling without a couple of dancing minions to demonstrate.

I especially love it when I'm in a group PM with several other people and 2 of them start an emoji war. The notifications make my cell phone sound like someone just rolled triple 7s on a slot machine in my purse.

I check my phone, expecting to see thrilling conversations happening but instead it's a string of sweet little emoji interspersed with seizure-inducing animated GIFs. Oh the joy they bring.

In an effort to maximize that joy, I would like to offer one suggestion if I may. You see the problem is that your emoji are small and on mobile devices they are even smaller. This causes a slight problem for those of us with not quite so young eyeballs. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the emoji I just sent to a friend was not 2 hugging minions but 2 fighting minions. And the emoji I thought was just a happy hotdog was actually a flasher hotdog, holding his bun open to reveal his....hot....dog. 

 

I am aware that there are some options available. The smiley face emoji are usually easy to see but I don't like to use them because those are the ones that old people use. I am not old. I am just slightly visually impaired due to my advanced...maturity.

Therefore I would like to request that you make some emoji that are large enough for not old people like myself to see and use correctly. If it was just about the size of my mobile device's screen that would be great. It would certainly save me future embarrassment brought on by something called a HamCat.

I don't know if you are also the people responsible for the inflatable thumbs up on our mobile devices but just in case I will share my thoughts about that with you as well. First of all, I didn't even know the feature existed until a friend showed me and explained to me how it works. She told me to just touch it and hold until it starts growing then let go when it gets to the size I want. That's a concept I'm familiar with so I gave it a try. My friend warned that if I hold it for too long it will explode and go back to small. Again...familiar territory.
 

I touched the icon and watched it grow and grow, then just at that moment when it was almost where I wanted it the dang thing went small again. Story. Of. My. Life. It took several tries before I got the hang of it but finally discovered that mine prefers a light touch. Now I find it easy to apply just the right amount of pressure to get that little satisfying "pop" at the end.

 

The only problem is that now I can't stop touching it. I touch it four, maybe five times a day just to watch it grow. I'm even touching it in public. Now it's to the point where I don't even have to look at it, I know precisely the point at which it will "pop" just by the sound it makes.

Surely it's a harmless habit, right? Although...I am having trouble seeing all those little emoji and I seem to recall my mother saying something about going blind....

My Favorite YouTube Comments

 These comments left on some of my YouTube videos are among my favorites. They're mostly negative, sometimes snarky, but always entertaining. Most of them were left on a video that has over 700,000 views despite everything these folks said I did wrong.

And before you complain that they're hard to read...I know, I know. I wasn't about to manually retype them so this is the best I could do. Just go ahead and leave me a comment complaining about it. I have lots of experience with that sort of thing!

 

Four on The Pelvic Floor

Sometimes I run across stuff on the internet that I just can't ignore. I know I should ignore it but I just don't have the strength.

Today I was browsing through the opportunities on a couple of the sponsorship websites I belong to. These sites match brands with influencers. In other words, they pimp out social media addicts such as myself. They're legit, I've actually done a couple of promotional videos through them but it's not my main focus so I don't do them often.

The offer that caught my eye today is from a company called Intimina. They are offering $100-$250 through Famebit for a YouTube review of their product. The product is called the Laselle Exercise Routine. It's not a craft product nor is it something that I think my viewers would be interested in so I won't be doing a video review.

However, I can certainly do a review here on my blog and I will even do it for free. You're welcome, Intimina.

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Does your pelvic floor have loose boards or creaky joists? Have I got a solution for you! Introducing the Laselle Exercise Routine by Intimina.

With the Laselle Routine, a 3 pack that gives you the full benefits of Laselle Exercisers in one simple package, you can take your pelvic floor training to new heights.

I didn't realize there was a chance that my pelvic floor training could reach a plateau. Who knew?!

Easy-to-use, discreet and completely body-safe, the Laselle Routine will help you to reach the peak of your intimate health. 

Nudge, nudge...wink, wink.

Are you still wondering just exactly what this is? Let me explain:

This complete workout set includes 3 exercisers of varying weights that can be used individually or combined to effectively build strength and tone. Worn internally, the spherical shaped weight provides a solid object to flex your muscles around and emits subtle vibrations during movement to confirm that it is correctly placed.

It's not what you're thinking. This is legitimate exercise equipment to help tone your floppy Kegels. The vibrations are subtle and necessary to confirm proper placement. If you're concerned that the vibration might be TOO subtle you could always just attach your exerciser to one of these:

That would leave no doubt as to your exerciser's placement. And you would likely finish your routine much quicker.

Ahem.

Are you wondering exactly how this works? I will tell you and then I will demonstrate for you.

Laselle™ Exercisers allow you to start with a weight that best suits your current level of strength and progress from there.

• Light Resistance (28g/1oz) is ideal for women who have a weaker pelvic floor or for beginners.
• Moderate Resistance (38g/1.3oz) is perfect for those experienced in weight-free exercising.
• Higher Resistance (48g/1.7oz) is best for women experienced in weighted exercising for the most advanced training.

Sounds reasonable. Let's give this a try. Here's me doing my first set with the Light Resistance Exercisers.

Here's me doing my second set with the Moderate Resistance Exercisers.

Here's me doing my third set with the Higher Resistance Exercisers.

Clearly I'm in better shape than I thought. Fortunately the Laselle Exercise Routine is fully customizable, even for those of us who clearly qualify for the Kegel Olympics.

 With this complete workout set you have the option to either use your exercisers individually or combined to effectively build pelvic floor strength and tone.

Here's me doing my first set with my exercisers linked together.

It took some trial and error but I was finally able to get some results after linking my exercisers together in a configuration that resembled a cluster of grapes.

Since my pelvic floor has never felt better, I want to help you get yours toned and creak-free too. I'm all about cheaper alternatives so here is my solution for a DIY Laselle Exercise Routine. My system is better because it has 4 different levels, not just 3. That gives you more options for a more complete pelvic floor workout. I call it Four on The Pelvic Floor. Here's what you get in the complete set:

For the Beginner. Don't forget to breathe.

Intermediate Level 1 includes a charging station for your not at all inappropriate subtle placement confirmation vibration.

Intermediate Level 2 can even be used outdoors. Who's gonna know, right?

This is for advanced exercisers only. Clearly this girl is an amateur.

Genius, right?! I know. After my routine I was able to unlink my exercisers then neatly weave each cord into an intricate Celtic knot before removing them. Thanks Intimina!

This is how I shop for groceries.

Monday: I really needed to get groceries today but I had to film a quick video for Daddy Van's since it's already overdue. I thought I might get groceries afterwards but it ended up taking all dang day. I'll make the grocery list so I can get them tomorrow after my doctor's appointment. 

(Didn't make the list.)

Tuesday: I had to fast for bloodwork this morning so naturally I got a headache. By the afternoon it had turned into a migraine so I laid down for a few minutes then fell asleep. I woke up 3 hours later and still had the migraine. Since I won't be going to bed early I'll make the grocery list so that I'll be ready to get groceries tomorrow morning.

(Didn't make the list. Again.)

Wednesday: I need to get groceries today but I should pay bills first. That didn't take long. I noticed that my Tom's were looking pretty yucky so I decided to wash them. I promised myself I would NOT use the excuse of wet shoes to get out of grocery shopping, that would be immature. I could just wear tennis shoes. Then I saw it was awfully cloudy outside and sure enough, there's 80% chance of rain. I am NOT buying groceries in the rain. Been there, done that, it's miserable. I'll make the list and get groceries tomorrow for sure.

(Still didn't make the list.)

Thursday: Okay, Thursday isn't even here yet but I just remembered it's mine and Jayson's anniversary. I can't possibly buy groceries on our anniversary. We don't have any big anniversary plans but still, it's a day to celebrate, not buy groceries. I'll get them on Friday so that we'll have a full fridge for the weekend.

Friday: Friday isn't here yet but Friday is Funday. It sets the tone for the whole weekend. Grocery shopping isn't fun so I shouldn't ruin my Funday, and potentially my entire weekend, with it. We'll just order pizza and get groceries sometime over the weekend.

Saturday and Sunday: Since we don't pay for electricity on the weekends I've got to get all the laundry done before Monday. If I go to the grocery store I'll get distracted and lose my laundry momentum. I'll just start the week off right and get groceries on Monday. We can make do one more day with stuff we have on hand. I  think I saw a can of pork and beans and I'm pretty sure the flour canister is full.

Monday: Rinse and repeat.

Spirograph aka My Super Fun Hypotrochoid and Epitrochoid Maker!

Yesterday I pulled out my 1967 almost mint condition Spirograph and sat down to play. I bought this little gem on eBay a few years ago because it was one of my most favorite things to do when I was growing up. I was looking forward to revisiting this old friend since I was certain that as an adult I would be able to eliminate some of the things that frustrated me about it as a child.

As I prepared my work surface I remembered how my uncoordinated child fingers always had trouble coaxing the little map pins out of their container. I discovered that my arthritic adult fingers have the same problem.

As I pinned my ring in place on the official Spirograph corrugated cardboard work surface, I had trouble identifying the holes in the ring that were meant for the pins. There are 4 of them and they're smaller than the other holes, which I still don't know the purpose of. Later I was reminded that it doesn't really matter which holes you stick the map pins into. They will eventually wiggle loose on your last rotation, causing a single misplaced mark on your otherwise perfect geometric creation.

I wonder if the modern versions of Spirograph include a work surface made from something better than corrugated cardboard. Even as a child I can remember thinking it was a poor choice. The corrugation lines sometimes show up on the large Spirograph doodles, not to mention the fact that the pin holes leave behind potholes that your pen will most definitely fall into, causing you to poke an irritating and unwanted hole in your paper.

My vintage Spirograph came complete with the original pens but, alas, the ink didn't survive the decades. I thought I would be really smart and use my Slicci gel pens with the .25mm tips. The tips are so fine they're like writing with a needle which I thought would be perfect for the tiny holes they have to fit into.

The tips did indeed fit nicely in the holes but I discovered that after 3 or 4 passes over the same area, those needle tips acted like little razors and sliced right through the paper.

One of the most frustrating things I remember about my Spirograph was when I got a big misplaced mark across my otherwise pristine creation when the gears accidentally slipped. I was certain this wouldn't be a problem since, as an adult, I would naturally be more careful so that those little plastic teeth stayed perfectly engaged. Okay that didn't happen. The gears slipped and I made a big misplaced mark. The only thing that changed was the string of colorful expletives I let loose when it happened.

I can't recall ever reading the instruction booklet when I was young so I flipped through it to see if maybe there was some helpful information that I might need. There may have been, I'm not sure because the whole thing is written in some kind of mysterious code. I would imagine it's similar to what a crochet pattern looks like to someone who doesn't crochet.

The only helpful information I was able to get from the instruction booklet was that the holes on the rings and on the wheels are numbered and it matters which hole you use and how you line them up if you're going to try to duplicate one of their suggested patterns.

Actually that would have been helpful information if I could actually SEE the tiny clear numbers next to the tiny clear holes on the tiny clear wheels.

And what exactly are the patterns that a Spirograph creates? I usually just call them doodles but according to Wikipedia they are actually "mathematical roulette curves of the variety technically known as hypotrochoids and epitrochoids". Well, heck! What child wouldn't love that?!

But how, exactly, does it work? Thankfully, Wikipedia also offers this pictorial mathematical explanation for how the Spirograph works:

I just love it when things are demystified like that.