Friday, December 07, 2012

Knob Polishing 101

When I went outside to get the newspaper yesterday morning, I noticed my doorknob was particularly grungy. It was sort of a chocolate brown color but I was pretty sure there was some shiny brass underneath. After working on my knob for most of the day, I thought I might share some tips on how to effectively polish a knob. This is something every woman should know how to do so I hope these tips will help you to be able to polish a knob on your own without having to call a professional. I myself am not a professional but if the shiny knobs in my house are any indication, I might know a thing or two.

Knob polishing is best done alone but can be done with an experienced friend you have a particularly large knob that you feel ill-equipped to handle.

I'll start with what is probably the most important piece of advice I can give you: Don't be afraid of the knob. They come in all shapes, sizes and colors but they all work the same way. Remember, the knob will not hurt you, contrary to what your mother may have told you. She probably just said that because during her frenzied knob polishing freshman year of college, she polished the wrong knob during homecoming. Which just goes to show you, ladies. Select your knob carefully.


Once you have chosen your knob you will need to prepare yourself for the task ahead by dressing comfortably. Knob polishing can be strenuous so you might work up a sweat. There are a few products you will need to have on hand as well as a good supply of rags and towels since, if done correctly, knob polishing can get messy.

When you begin polishing it is important to look your knob in the eye. Let it know that you mean business. Find a position that is comfortable for you in case your knob proves to be a stubborn polish. No need to resort to the knee pads our mothers used to use. The modern woman knows that her own comfort and satisfaction are the key to a successful knob polishing.

Use the products you have on hand to bring your knob back to a full shine. Be sure to give plenty of attention to the underside of your knob which can be come crusty and discolored if neglected.

Once your knob has reached it pinnacle of shine, be sure to step back and bask in the afterglow of your shiny knob. Newer knobs might need to be polished much more frequently than older knobs but with some practice you will be able to give it a quick buff on your way out the door. As one friend pointed out, polishing an older knob might take some time but the satisfaction you get when it's done is worth it. As your knob ages, you will find that generally it is grateful for even just an occasional spit shine.

This message is brought to you by too much caffeine mixed with what clearly must have been a toxic combination of the household cleaning chemicals I was using to actually polish my brass door knob. I ran out of energy before I could polish the kick plate on the right side. I might need the help of an experienced friend for that one.


8 comments:

SkylersDad said...

I checked my knob for crust and discoloration, and am happy to report it is pristine!

Aside from nothing, I use a kickplate when polishing also...

Shannon Green said...

Heh. A pristine knob is a happy knob!

Anonymous said...

OMG this is a riot Shannon. You had me cracking up while reading it!

Sandi Marr

Shannon Green said...

I was kinda cracking up while writing it!

donnaj said...

needed a laugh~thanks!

Lujean Martin said...

Gotta remember to not use pumice to shine em! Those knobs don't enjoy that! Thanks for my daily guffaw!!!

Lujean Martin said...

Gotta remember to not use pumice to shine em! Those knobs don't enjoy that! Thanks for my daily guffaw!!!

Shutterbugg said...

Um, my mind went in the totally wrong direction due to reading your more recent post entitled, "Dirty Balls, Soul Geeks and Bikini Threading" or was that direction you were going in????