And in today's news...

I read the newspaper this morning and thought I'd give you a summary of today's most important news so you wouldn't have to waste time reading it yourself. I'm just cool like dat.

On the front page of the Houston Chronicle there was an article about the crimes committed by the wives and girlfriends of the Aryan Brotherhood of Texas. It's absolutely horrible and I wish I could go back and unread it. I won't be sharing those details with you.

I was cheered up a little bit by the next article I read which was about how more retailers are experimenting with home delivery. Over the years I have enjoyed home delivery of pizzas, Chinese food, prescriptions, water and the newspaper. There are some local grocery stores who deliver but I'm all about saving as much money as possible on groceries, not spending extra to have them brought to my door. There are dry cleaners who deliver as well but most of my jeans and t-shirts do not require that level of care.  I was, however, excited to read that Advance Auto Parts stores in Houston are now making home deliveries. The delivery fee varies depending on the amount of your purchase, but for around $10 you can have a new battery brought to you and installed by a helpful Advance Auto Parts representative who will also take away your old battery. This can be very helpful if you're stranded at home or at work with a dead battery and no one to come to your rescue. Yay Advance Auto Parts!

Bon appetit!

If you're looking for a new business venture, I would recommend you build a giant birdhouse for edible-nest swiftlets in Indonesia. A medium sized 3-story birdhouse (which looks bigger than my house) costs around $16,000 which is cost prohibitive for your average Indonesian but a drop in the buck for your average American because we're all rich, right? The houses are built in such a way that it attracts the swiftlets who then build their nests from regurgitated strands of sticky saliva. Then you would sell these nests, at $1000 per pound, to the Chinese people who cook and eat them because they believe the nests provide special health benefits, including helping young mothers regain their girlish figures after childbirth. That's right. They cook and eat bird spit. I have actually seen this on Iron Chef and quit watching the show after that because...really...YUCK.

In more bird news the fate of an entire species of parrots rests solely in the hands of Sheik Saoud of Qatar. His wildlife preservation, which began as his own personal menagerie until someone accused him of poaching, houses 55 of the 76 Spix's macaws in existence...all in captivity. The Sheik just bought a 6000 acre farm in northern Brazil where he will build a hatchery, nursery and aviary for the birds. The birds are native to Brazil but because of extensive inbreeding due to their near extinction they are unable to be released back into their natural habitat until further controlled breeding starts producing more healthy babies. I like that story. Now I feel like when I fill up my SUV with gas that's costing me $4.00/gallon, maybe I've helped save a species of bird from extinction. It's a stretch, I know.

The next article was actually more of a small blurb but the headline caught my eye: Colorado Woman Accused of Groping TSA Agent. I just can't not read that. A 61 year old woman is facing charges of felony sexual abuse for grabbing the left breast of a female TSA agent. The woman and the agent got into an argument when the woman refused to go through the passenger screening area. The woman then grabbed the agent's left breast with both hands then squeezed and twisted. I have a couple of thoughts here. My first one is...both hands??!! I'm not so much shocked and appalled that the woman grabbed the agent with both hands as I am jealous of the agent for being able to fill two hands with one breast! Some girls have all the luck. My second thought is pretty obvious: Tit for tat.

The only titles I can think of will attract every perv who Googles.

Lately I've been posting pictures of my daily projects on my Facebook page but today's daily project actually took 4 days and deserves a little more attention even though I didn't make anything, remake anything, decorate anything, or organize anything. I basically just cleaned it but that's not the part that took 4 days. It took 4 days to unscrew 2 screws.

This is the item that Jayson and I both have been fighting with for the past few days. It is a beautiful old metal headboard that a friend gave to me. I think it's cast aluminum but I'm not sure. It weighs a ton but won't hold a magnet so it's not iron. I absolutely love it but will likely never use it as a headboard so I wanted to remove it from the frame. 

The headboard was attached to the frame with several heavy screws. Most of them were missing and of the few that were left Jayson was able to remove all but the last 2.

On day 1 of our unscrewing adventure I soaked both of the screws in a rust remover. This did next to nothing. That evening I went after them with a hammer and chisel. My thinking was that anything that rusty was probably weakened by corrosion and I could just beat them into submission. I was wrong.

On day 2 I went after the screws full force. Me and my friend Google came up with a few ideas I hadn't thought of. I don't know why but it never crossed my mind to use WD-40. I sprayed the screws and let them sit for several hours. When they still wouldn't budge I beat them some more with the hammer and chisel thinking that maybe that along with the WD-40 might loosen them. It did not.

Several of the automotive websites had solutions involving tools and equipment that I don't have access to. But there was one removal technique that several people had used with some success and I thought I might be able to pull it off. They suggested you heat the screw (or bolt, whatever) with a torch then while it's hot you drip candle wax all over it. The heat from the screw will cause a wicking action and the wax will get sucked into all the tiny crevices and act as a lubricant. I felt really good about this one! The only problem is that we don't have a torch. Well we do but we don't. Jayson has one of those handy dandy nozzle things that you attach to a small bottle of propane and it turns it into a torch. The problem is that we don't have any small bottles of propane. The only other thing I could think to use was my little mini butane torch that I use for soldering. Or for attempting to solder. I still don't do that well.

I fired up my tiny torch and heated those screws for all I was worth! Then I dripped candle wax over the screws, the headboard, the yard and my clothes. It was windy and dark outside so my aim was off. When the wax had set a little I scraped it off the top of the screws then tried unscrewing them again. They didn't budge. I removed the rest of the wax from around the screws and tried turning them with a set of those locking pliers. That didn't work either. Finally I went back after them with the hammer and chisel again just in case the wax needed a little encouragement to work its magic. There was no magic.

Jayson said our only solution might be to either cut them off with a torch (a real grown up torch, not my little baby one) or to grind them off. I suppose I could have run to the propane store to pick up a bottle to make his torch but I was afraid the heat might mess up the headboard in some way so I saved that as a last resort. It has a beautiful gold finish on it with a patina you just can't faux.

Jayson asked if I'd tried the Dremel yet. I had not. I got out the Dremel and went through just about every little attachment in the box. The screws just laughed as they ate up several cut off wheels, wire wheels for removing rust, and some grinding stones. I grabbed the hammer and chisel again, not because I thought maybe it would loosen the screws, but because I was pissed and wanted to beat the crap out the whole headboard. So I did.

On Day 3 I decided to give the screws the silent treatment. I thought they needed time to think about what they'd done so they could see the error of their ways.

Meanwhile, our plumber came over to fix a couple of minor flushing issues and while he was here I asked him if he ever had occasion to remove rusty screws. Indeed he did. Okay, I already knew he would but I was doing my clueless woman thing since I needed his help. Not that I was trying to manipulate him or anything, I was just trying to make him feel good about himself for being able to help me. So see it was all about building him up, not about me getting what I wanted. And I'm pretty sure he could use some building up because, bless his heart, his is a stereotypical plumber complete with exposed butt crack. Every time he comes down the stairs he stops at the bottom step to pull up his pants and for this I am truly grateful.

Mr. Plumber went out to his truck and came back in with a brand new can of Liquid Wrench that he said I could have. He really is a nice man even though his pants won't stay up and he smells like sweaty socks. I thanked him for the Liquid Wrench and pretended to be interested in all of his Liquid Wrench success stories as I slowly herded him toward the door. Just before he left he asked if he gave me one of his business cards. I said no and was about to tell him it was okay since I knew how to get in touch with him but before I could he hurried back out to his truck with one hand on the waistband of his pants to hold them up while he walked at what was surely an unusually accelerated pace for him. He came back and handed me a business card that was torn, bent, dirty and stained with something that looked organic. I took the card, thanked him, then after he left I showered for 45 minutes.

To be honest I was a little disappointed that all he used was Liquid Wrench. Even though I haven't used it before, I've seen it and thought it was just another brand of WD-40. I was really hoping for some kind of magical plumber's potion that no one else has access to.  Since it was all I had I drenched the screws with Liquid Wrench and just left them overnight because I was sure it wouldn't work.

On Day 4 I went outside to stare at the headboard to try to intimidate the screws into loosening. I sprayed them with more Liquid Wrench and noticed how clean and pretty the metal was in the places where it had dripped on it. I gave up on the screws and decided to just clean the whole thing with Liquid Wrench.

Jayson came outside and griped at me a little bit for dripping the Liquid Wrench onto the patio. I forgot it's an oil and would stain the concrete. I sprayed it on the patio because he told me not to spray it on the grass. If I can't spray it on the patio or in the grass, what am I supposed to do?! I was about to gripe back when he pulled out his pliers or wrench or whatever that thing is and went after the screws again. I was going to say he pulled out his tool but that wasn't quite right. Good thing I didn't say that. Anyway much to my surprise and his too, the screws started to turn! It wasn't easy and definitely not something I could have done but that man of mine got those last two screws out without us having to resort to anything that might have affected the prettiness of the headboard.

Here's the headboard now, waiting for me to finish cleaning the excess Liquid Wrench from all its little crevices. 

The gold finish isn't paint so I'm thinking maybe it was powder coated? There are a few places where it has worn off but I can't pick it off or remove it like a paint. I'm thinking it's either powder coated or some kind of plating.

How gorgeous is that?! I'm not crazy about the gold color but I'm not going to change it because it matches the character of the piece so well. It would feel right at home in Versailles. Or my mother's house.

I haven't told Jayson that the screws were just step one. I want this thing to hang on a wall but I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing that. I think it's too heavy to just hang from nails or hooks. We may have to find some brackets or something to hold it up. Or I could just wait till the next time one of our potties acts up and casually ask the plumber, "Do you ever have a need to hang something really heavy?"

Jungle Love

Tonight I took a Zentangle class with a friend and had a good time despite almost having to face one of my greatest Houston fears: being rerouted.

The class was in the Houston Heights area, 19 miles from my house. On the planet Houston that's just up the road a bit. The class started at 7 so I decided to leave my house at 6:15 just to be on the safe side. I'm in the Heights area at least once a week and it usually doesn't take me but maybe 20 minutes to get there, but I wanted to play it safe since you just never know what could happen.

For instance, there could be an accident that might cause the traffic on one of the few highways I'm familiar with to be rerouted. And that's exactly the hellish nightmare I faced tonight. I left my house at 6:20, a little later than I wanted to but still in plenty of time to drive 19 miles and arrive at my destination by 7:00. Just before I was about to turn on to 290, the overly perky radio gal started talking about an accident on 290 and how the road was closed from Fairbanks to Antoine.

I'm still a long way from being able to drive very far without Google Maps pulled up on my phone, but I was familiar with the streets she mentioned and I was heading straight for them. I know Fairbanks North Houston because that street turns into Blalock where the MAM thrift store is and I like to visit there pretty regularly. Me and Antoine go way back because that's the exit I take to get to IKEA.

Then the radio gal went on to say that the traffic on 290 was being rerouted. Rerouted? REROUTED??!! Oh HELL no!! I've lived in Houston for practically 10 minutes! I simply CANNOT be rerouted! This was unacceptable and I had to put a stop to it. I quickly grabbed my phone and pulled up Google Maps (very carefully since yes, I was still driving) and saw that if I stayed on the access road I could turn on Hempstead which runs parallel to 290 and take that almost all the way to my destination.

I thought I was a freaking genius! I was so proud of myself and felt more Houstony than ever before as I headed for Hempstead while all those other poor suckers got on 290 and faced being rerouted through God only knows where. I was also very pleased with myself for not only having a full tank of gas but also for having remembered to bring along my emergency rations: a bottle of water and a package of Twizzlers. I don't ever want to repeat what happened the last time I was stuck in traffic for over an hour. I had plenty of gas in the tank but I hadn't eaten anything all day and got so hungry that I ate an entire box of Altoids. I had curiously strong heartburn for 2 days after that.

Shortly after I turned onto Hempstead I realized I was not so much of a genius after all. All those poor suckers on 290 that I'd made fun of a few minutes ago were now in front of me since 290 traffic was being rerouted onto Hempstead. It wasn't my first serving of humble pie today and it probably won't be my last.

On a side note, does anyone know what I'm supposed to do with a red light that has 2 red arrows?? Do I stop and wait for it to turn green? If so, why does it have arrows? Do I stop, look, then go? If so, then why would there need to even be a light there? I've come across this several times and I'm very confused about it. They didn't have these kind of street lights in Louisiana. They did however hang lovely advertisements from the street light if it had somehow changed. One light went from having one left turn lane to two lanes and they hung a sign from it that said "NEW!!" like you'd see in the grocery store next to the Oreo's that have a chocolate cookie on one side and a vanilla cookie on the other. I never can remember what those are called so I just call them multicultural Oreo's.

Hempstead is an armpit of an avenue. I wouldn't call it seedy but it certainly isn't attractive either. It's very industrial complete with railroad tracks running alongside it. There aren't many reasons to stop anywhere on Hempstead unless you want to hit happy hour at a strip club or buy some concrete statuary. I don't even know the name of it but it's one of those places that has tons of tacky concrete statues and urns and benches and animals. Prominently displayed in the very front of their lot are 2 life size concrete gorillas that nearly made me cause Hempstead traffic to be rerouted.

I tried really hard to get a picture but the guy behind me was honking and even though I couldn't hear him I'm pretty sure he was yelling some ugly things at me. I wanted to go back after the class to get a picture of the gorillas but Karma was already out to get me and I figured if she didn't Jayson probably would. For some reason he doesn't like it when I wander around on dangerous streets in the middle of the night.

Yeeee haawww!!

I will eventually go back to get a picture but until then let me try to describe these gorillas. I found a picture of the standing gorilla. Evidently this must be a popular mold for concrete statuary stores to use because I found this guy in several places on the internet. I did not find a picture of the other concrete gorilla that is displayed with him but he's on all fours just like this gorilla. Only he's concrete.

Are you done yet??

What entertained me so much about these statues is their placement. The silver back on all fours is directly in front of the standing gorilla. Are you tracking with me? Surely I can't be the only one who has noticed that it looks like these two gorillas are having an intimate moment right there on the side of the road! It was so hilarious that it made my ONE HOUR drive more tolerable. Yes, it took me an hour to drive 19 miles but my Dian Fossey moment was worth it.

Pedicure's Impending Death Thwarted by Citrus Scented Savior

Yesterday I dripped paint on my toenail polish and didn't realize it until the paint had dried. Before mourning the loss of my less than 48 hour old pedicure I decided to see what a little Goo Gone might do for it.

I have other solvents made for removing dried paint but they would also remove my nail polish and that's a sacrifice I was not willing to make. I dabbed a little Goo Gone (standard variety, there are several ya know) onto a paper towel and rubbed it lightly across my toenail just to make sure it wouldn't take the polish off.  I continued to rub a little more and noticed that the paint blob was becoming tacky, like it was trying to dissolve.

I promise it's paint. It just happens to look like pigeon poo.

A got a little bolder and squirted Goo Gone over my whole toenail and let it sit for maybe a minute. As the paint blob became more gooey I was able to remove it with a little picking and a little rubbing.

Disaster averted! The paint blob is gone and there is no damage whatsoever to my lovely pedicure which didn't cost me anything because I did it myself but still... Me and my toes aren't close like we used to be, mainly because they're not as easy for me to reach anymore so it's important that I get as much mileage as possible out of each rare pedicure. While I was at it, I also used Goo Gone to clean my fancy Dollar Store flip flops so now they look like they have new life breathed into them!

You can get in on the fabulousness that is Goo Gone by visiting their Facebook page. You may have noticed the GooRu badge on my sidebar which designates me as someone who has an unhealthy fascination with this citrus scented degunking wonder. I'm not paid by Goo Gone to tout their product but I wouldn't be opposed to accepting some coupons from them. Or a t-shirt. Or a lifetime supply of the spray gel which is the best sticker remover e.v.e.r.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Airstream

There has been a huge cosmic mistake. This woman has my life. Or at least she has the one that I think I want but we all know that the life I need is the one I have but still....

I frequently whine about wanting a vintage caravan to park in my backyard to use as my own personal art studio/sanctuary. However, it would also be nice if the caravan was roadworthy and large enough to provide a comfortable temporary habitat for family road trips. Maybe an Airstream would be a better choice and maybe it would look something like this:

Perfect! This little jewel belongs to John Gray and Robin Brown, owners of Magnolia Pearl. Since I did not ask their permission to use their photos on my blog, please go buy something from them so that I won't feel guilty. I would do it myself because I love everything they have but there are no prices on their website which to me means if you have to ask you can't afford it. But just look at how cute their stuff is!

I want to be girl #4 in that picture. I want to wear long gauzy bohemian dresses with ruffled pantaloons and scuffed booties. And I want to have naturally curly blonde hair that I don't even comb because I'm just cool like that. And I want to live on a farm and be tan all the time and have teeth as white as my boho fashions. And if it's not too much to ask let's just go ahead and kick the clock back about 20 years so that I can wear my lovely sleeveless dresses without worrying about my arm wings flapping in the wind.

That's who I was supposed to be. I'm just sure of it. I want the life I was supposed to have, complete with this darling little Airstream that I pull behind my rose covered 1958 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud.

















I want to take my Airstream to antique shows where I sell my overpriced garments to middle aged women who wish they were me.


















Then after a long hard day of separating the old bitties from their cash, I want to relax in my antique french claw footed tub (yes, that's IN my Airstream) then sleep in my custom made Princess and The Pea bed where I will dream about how fabulous it is to be me.
















Seriously, is that too much to ask??