Harriet The Tear Duct Slug

I have a really disgusting story to share. Common sense tells me to never ever speak of it to anyone. But I decided to share it on the off chance that there might be one other person in the universe who has had a similar experience and is feeling like a lonely freak about it.

Obviously you will want to stop ready now if you have a delicate constitution. Whatever that is.

A few months ago I got a blocked tear duct in my right eye. I pretty much diagnosed myself, thanks to Dr. Google, and in the process I learned a lot about how our tear ducts work and are connected to other stuff in our face.

I always thought our tears came from the tiny holes on the inside corners of our upper and lower eye lids. I've thought that for 48 years. I was wrong...for 48 years.

The little holes we see on our eyelids are not where the tears originate, they are the drain holes for our tears. The tears originate from tiny glads that are located under our upper eyelids. I swear it. This video proves it:


So after diagnosing and educating myself, I also researched ways to eliminate blocked tear ducts. They are quite painful and can become infected. Warm compresses and gentle massaging seemed to be the way to go. I tried this for several days and was unable to make it go away so I ended up at the eye doctor. She gave me some antibiotic drops to stave off infection and some steroid drops to shrink the swelling then asked me to come back in a week.

Shortly after I left the eye doctor's office, I felt something in the back of my throat and assumed it was a sinus thing or post nasal drip since I'm no stranger to either one. Whatever it was worked its way into my throat and out of my mouth where I spit it into a tissue. Those who suffer with chronic sinus problems can relate to how common this is for us.

But this time it was different. I looked at what I had spit into the tissue and was horrified. It looked exactly like a chewed up stick of Juicy Fruit gum...about an inch long, gray and rubbery. I swear I thought I had coughed up a piece of my brain.

I didn't ever want to see anything so disturbing again so I threw it away then went back to Dr. Google to find out if it was possible for chunks of grey matter to break loose and slide down your throat.

I learned that it was unlikely that my brain had broken into pieces but I also learned that whatever it was is not something that happens very often because I only found 2 other references to similar experiences on the whole internet. I deduced that the chunk I had spit out was the infection or whatever that was blocking my tear duct. It was the exact same shape as the little sac that runs alongside your nose and carries your tears into your nose and throat. Basically, I coughed up my infection. This was confirmed when I felt around my eye and nose and there was no longer any swelling or pain and I didn't even need to use the drops the doctor gave me.

Disgusting, right? On my follow up visit I told my eye doctor what happened and I told her my theory that I had hawked up an infection loogie. She sort of smiled, nodded and patted the top of my head. Figuratively of course.

I wrote that off as one of those inexplicable things that our bodies do sometimes and I only told a couple of people about it because ... well ... eww.

My right eye started watering excessively about a week ago and I thought it was allergies because evidently I had blocked the traumatic tear duct infection from my mind. Then a couple of days ago the pain and swelling showed up and triggered my memory. I immediately went after it with the warm compresses and gentle massaging. Or screaming hot compresses and rubbing as hard as I could to make it go away so I wouldn't have to relive the chunky nightmare from last time.

Yesterday was the worst of it and I decided if it wasn't better by today I would go to the eye doctor. When I woke up this morning I immediately felt the corner of my eye and the side of my nose and discovered there was no longer any swelling or pain. Thank you Jesus! I laid in bed for a while, reading email and Facebook notifications as is my usual routine, then I felt a tickle in the back of my throat. I swallowed and felt something long, thin and solid work its way into my mouth.

I bolted from the bed to spit it out before I puked and sure enough it was a gray rubbery chunk just like the last time.

I don't know why my tear ducts get blocked and I don't know if the blockage is from an infection or a foreign body or just one of those things that happens. But I am certain that the weird thing I've coughed up each time is the blockage.

So the moral of this story is...don't panic if you puke up a chunk of something that looks like your brain and instantly cures a tear duct problem you were having.

When this happened the first time I told Jayson about it but he never saw the evidence. Since I wasn't nearly as freaked out this time, I felt like I needed to share with him the mystery that is the human body so I texted him a picture of the yucky chunk:

JAYSON: Thank you for sharing your slug with me. Have you named it yet?

ME: Harriet The Tear Duct Slug.

JAYSON: Make sure you use it in a collage, or maybe as an earring.

Not gonna happen but he knows me well.

AT&T overcompensates and then I grow a beard.

AT&T is cracking me up. I sent them that email on Tuesday explaining how I felt like they should send me a MicroCell for free, right? Less than 24 hours later, I had the free MicroCell in my hands. Problem solved. I think. I haven't actually hooked it up yet.

Just a few minutes ago I got a call from the manager of my local AT&T store saying he just got my email and would be glad to send me a free MicroCell. I did cc that email to a couple of different people so I can understand the communication breakdown. I don't know who forwarded it to my local store but I really think that was kind of a cool thing to do.

I told him that AT&T already shipped me one and he asked if they credited my account for it. I told him they never charged me in the first place. I felt like I shouldn't have to pay anything extra for cell service that I'm already paying for. He totally agreed and just wanted to make sure that I got what I needed and wasn't charged for it.

I'm not a big AT&T fan, but I am a loyal customer more out of habit than anything else. I'm happy with the results in this situation but definitely not happy with what it took to get there.

It reminds me of the Baby Lock ordeal. After it was all over they sent me an email asking me to remove my negative blog post since the situation was resolved. I refused because even though it was resolved in the end, it was still a negative experience because of how much trouble it was to get to the resolution! Der! 

The other day I was trying to figure out why I run into trouble with companies on such a regular basis. I decided I might be slightly high maintenance and probably bring on some of the trouble myself. I admit that. I wouldn't have had any trouble at all with AT&T if I'd just bought the MicroCell like they wanted me to. I guess most people would have done that and called it a day. But that didn't feel right to me so I made an issue out of it. Because it wasn't right. In my mind anyway. And I like to be right things to be done right. According to me.

This will be me after I get blacklisted by Tweezerman.

Okay fine, I'm a high maintenance control freak and I'm probably on my way to being blacklisted by corporate America so that no one in this country will ever let me buy their goods or services and I'll have to turn into one of those no impact people who lives "off the grid" (aka in a treehouse) and uses leaves for toilet paper.

Even in that situation I'm pretty confident that something won't go the way I think it should, I'll find someone to blame for it, and I'll have to carve my complaint letter on a piece of bark with the tooth I just lost.

That's my destiny.

I paid for your maxi tower, can you send me a mini one?

Today at 1:22 p.m. I sent this email to Glenn Lurie, the new President of AT&T Mobility. Just to make sure all my bases were covered, I sent copies to Ralph de la Vega, who had that job before him, and to Richard Lindner, CFO and Senior Executive Vice President. I decided not to bother the CEO unless these guys proved to be useless:

 Dear Mr. Lurie,

Congratulations on your promotion! I hope that dissatisfied customers such as myself aren’t sucking the fun out of your new job. I took a guess at your email address since Google doesn’t know what it is and you probably want to keep it that way.

I’m having issues with my wireless service that your company is not able to correct in a way that reflects good customer service. I’m sure you hear this daily but I hope you will hear me out. I will try to be as concise as possible out of respect for your time.

My family moved from NW Houston to SW Houston on August 25. We failed to verify whether or not AT&T provided coverage in our new neighborhood. To be honest, it never even occurred to me to do such a thing. That’s why we have AT&T…so that we know we’re covered everywhere.

We have 3 iPhones, older 4S and 5 models, but no landline. We haven’t needed a landline for the past 4 years since our cell service was more than adequate.

Now at our new home, we get 1 dot of service on our phones inside our house...sometimes 2 dots if we sit in the sweet spot on the back porch. We often have no service at all and the majority of our incoming calls go straight to voice mail.

We are paying over $200 a month for 3 phones that we can’t use in our own home or surrounding neighborhood. I have been reminded repeatedly that AT&T cannot guarantee coverage in all areas so basically I’m screwed. I didn’t see this coming because I don’t live out in the boonies or in a valley as one tech support guy suggested. Bless his heart. I’m in the Houston suburbs, for Pete’s sake, I expect to be able to use my cell phone. 

On September 12, J**** determined there was a problem with my local tower, assigned me a case number (CM*********-9*********), and told me it might take a week for the problem to be taken care of. On September 28, I received an email stating that the problem with the tower had been resolved. I still have 1 dot of service.

Today I called and spoke with a random tech support dude who said that I live in a 2 block area where there is only moderate coverage so I need to buy a MicroCell, which I understand is sort of like a mini tower. I don’t understand why I need to pay for a mini tower when I’m already paying for the maxi tower with my $200 a month. When I asked tech support dude to send me a MicroCell for free, he said that just isn’t done. Ever. I asked to speak to a supervisor and he informed me that supervisor would just tell me the same thing. And she did.

L*** verified my state of screwedness and said that a MicroCell is my only option. She confirmed that they are never ever ever sent out for free but she would be happy to fix me up for $149.99 plus shipping. When I asked her why my friends in B*********, Texas got a free MicroCell from AT&T just 4 weeks ago, she had no answer. I could give you my friends’ names but to be honest, I’m afraid if I do you will charge them for the MicroCell you’ve already sent them for free and as desperately as I want this situation to be fixed, I’m not ready to throw my friends under the AT&T bus. Yet.

I got a phone in my room with my very own phone number when I was 16 years old. That was in 1982 and my service was with Southwestern Bell. I stayed with SWBell while they morphed into SBC and then later became AT&T. We did have a short stint with BellSouth when we lived in South Louisiana but we’ve never strayed from Ma Bell’s family. I have been with your company for 32 years. I’m willing to bet that’s slightly longer than you’ve been with them.

I’m not asking for a gold watch. If I leave AT&T no one will notice or throw me a going away party or mourn my absence for one second. I get it. All I’m asking is to receive the service I’m already paying for without incurring any additional expenses. OR, I’m asking to be let out of our contract without having to pay the $305 cancellation fee. The second option is not desirable to me since AT&T has taken care of all my communications needs for literally all of my life. But it is preferable over buying a device that I shouldn’t have to have.

Would you be willing to help me? There’s not much I can offer in return except for my continued loyalty to your company despite feeling unappreciated for that loyalty, and my promise that I will never contact you again.

Most people jump on that second thing. Just so you know.

Thank you,

Shannon Green
address
Richmond, TX *****

(***) ***-****

At 2:02 p.m. I got this reply from OOP-Non-Regulatory-Mobility:

Please refer to Clarify case number C*********_9*******

My name is C***** H***** and I work within the Office of the President
for AT&T.  Our job is to resolve issues on behalf of senior leadership
for the company.   I will be your point of contact on this issue through
resolution.   To ensure that I have a full understanding of your
requested resolution, I will be trying to reach out to you over the next
few days, or feel free to call me at *** *** ****.
Thank you for contacting AT&T.

Okay, standard form letter response but still it was a response so I was happy about that.

Then at 3:18 p.m. my phone rang so I ran outside to answer it. It was C***** H***** who apologized for the inconvenience, confirmed the problem and said there are quite a few MicroCells in use in our neighborhood. Then he asked me to verify my address so he could get my free MicroCell shipped out today.

Obviously this makes me happy but it also makes me frustrated that I've been jumping through hoops for the past 4 weeks trying to get this taken care of through the appropriate channels when it could have been resolved in 2 hours if I had contacted the president's office first. When I mentioned this to my new BFF he said it just depends on who you talk to since not everyone is aware of all the options available to settle a complaint...even supervisors. Despite what I was told, AT&T does send out MicroCells for free but only on a case-by-case basis. I took that to mean only if you're fortunate enough to talk to someone 'in the know' or really good at annoying company executives enough that they'll do anything to make you leave them alone.

That second thing would be me.

Amazon, Light Bulbs, and The Dead-Eyed Zombie UPS Guy

I sometimes order light bulbs from Amazon, right? Especially the decorative CFL globes for the bathrooms. They can be hard to find and Amazon has good prices on them.

I order from Amazon pretty regularly and usually just include the light bulbs with my order. Amazon ships the light bulbs with the rest of my stuff and when they arrive, there is at least one broken bulb. EVERY time.

In the past I've gone through the return process where they send UPS to come pick up the broken bulbs and they ship my replacements usually within a day or two. The replacement bulbs always arrive in tact because they're the only thing in the box.

They're Amazon. Surely they ship out hundreds if not thousands of light bulbs every day. You would think they would have realized by now that shipping them in the same box with my computer paper is a bad idea. I guess I need to start ordering them separately or ask for them to be shipped separately or something. Bless Amazon's clueless heart.

So this past week I ordered 2 globe bulbs and I received 2 broken globe bulbs. I did the return procedure thing and got a confirmation that my replacements would be shipped out pronto and UPS would come pick up my broken bulbs. As usual.

But then I got a separate email from someone at Amazon who I'm pretty sure was contacting me from New Delhi because she typed with an accent. You know what I mean. She was very nice and apologized for the inconvenience, promised that my new bulbs would arrive shortly and told me that it wasn't necessary for me to return the broken ones. She told me to dispose of them safely.

Great! That saved me the trouble of packing them up again, printing out the label and the return info, and watching for the UPS guy.

When I checked the status of my replacement order the next day, I noticed that yes my new bulbs were indeed on the way but there was also an alert reminding me to return the broken ones or else I'd be charged for them.

I contacted New Delhi Gal and asked her to confirm that I was not required to send the bulbs back. She confirmed that I was not required to return them and should dispose of them.

So I took a screen shot of my account page showing that Amazon was waiting for me to return the bulbs. I sent that to New Delhi Gal and told her that I don't want to be charged for bulbs that I was told to trash.

Again, she told me to trash the broken bulbs and she would make sure that I didn't get charged for not returning them.

Perfect...problem solved.

The next day my replacement bulbs arrived safe and sound and I didn't think about light bulbs again until later that night when my doorbell rang at 8:30 p.m. It was the UPS guy ready to pick up my broken bulbs. The broken bulbs that I was told to dispose of because there was no need to return them.

I'm pretty sure I just glared at him and I think I said something like, "ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME??!!" It was 8:30, clearly he'd had a long day so he just sort of gave me a blank look with tired eyes. I wanted him to understand my frustration so I told him the whole story about the broken bulbs and how New Delhi Gal told me to toss them but there was an alert on my account so I didn't and I can't believe she forgot to cancel the UPS pick-up yadda yadda yadda.

UPS Guy stood there completely silent, looking at me with tired blank eyes.

Okay, fine. He didn't care about my frustration and was just doing his job. I hated for it to be a wasted trip for him so I asked him to give me a minute to box up the return items. Thank goodness I hadn't thrown them away yet.

The box for the replacement bulbs was still sitting on my kitchen table so I tossed the broken bulbs in there then asked the UPS Guy if he had some tape to seal the box. He said no...which I thought was weird cuz he handles packages all day every day. You would think they'd keep a roll of packing tape in the truck just in case.

I probably rolled my eyes at him a little bit then asked him to wait some more while I went upstairs to get the packing tape. I sealed the box without including the return print out thing that you're supposed to put in there but I wasn't prepared and really didn't care. I handed the sealed box to UPS Guy and asked if he had a label then explained that I didn't print one out because New Delhi Gal told me not to return the bulbs so I wasn't expecting him and didn't even have any tape handy and blah blah blah. I was rambling again and he was even more disinterested than the first time I whined about it.

He held up the label in his hand, slapped it on the box, told me to have a good evening, then did the zombie walk back to his truck.

The whole thing was weird but whatever...I was just glad to be done with it. I had intended to check my Amazon account to make sure they weren't still threatening to charge me if I didn't return those bulbs but I sort of forgot about it. Until a couple of days later....yesterday.

Replacements ordered AND refund issued. No one thought that was strange?

I got an automated email from Amazon letting me know they'd processed my refund for $16.64 and it should show up in my bank account in 2-3 days.

*Sigh*

I checked my Amazon account and sure enough the alert was gone and there was a notice that my broken bulbs had been replaced AND my money had been refunded.

This bothers me because I now owe Amazon $16.64 and if I don't say anything to them about it, it feels like stealing. But I also know without a doubt that if I contact Amazon and try to explain to them that they shouldn't have refunded my money and I owe them $16.64, it will result in mass confusion which will cause more mistakes and I will get alerts on my account and probably end up being charged double and then, just because this is the kind of luck I have, Dead-Eyed Zombie UPS Guy will show up at my door again.

So I will just say a heartfelt thanks to Amazon for the free light bulbs.

Finish all your seed beads, then you can have dessert.

You know how when you buy cheap seed beads at Hobby Lobby they come in the clear plastic tube with the twist-off cap? 

You know how there's usually a paper label that covers the cap and part of the tube which can sometimes make it difficult for (arthritic) hands to unscrew the cap?

You know how you sometimes use your teeth as tools even though you know you're not supposed to but it just takes too much dang effort to get up and go get the right tool you need?

So last night I was taking seed beads out of their plastic tubes and putting them in little zip bags to consolidate them and make them easier to display for my upcoming garage sale. I had been unscrewing all the caps with my teeth because my poor little hands are angry with me about the work I've made them do over the past couple of months.

Everything was going fine until I came across one particularly stubborn cap that wouldn't unscrew. I tightened my grip on the tube then bit down harder in an effort to get the dang thing open. When I twisted the tube it broke and because I was holding it so tight, it squeezed a whole bunch of seed beads straight into my mouth.

I mean a WHOLE BUNCH. Like probably a tablespoon, and that's a lot of seed beads.

I just sat there with a mouth full beads, laughing, wondering what to do about it, and hoping I didn't choke on them or end up snorting them outta my nose.

That's a common problem for me because about 20 years ago I had a uvulopalatoplasty which removes your soft palate and uvula from the back of your throat. I had this done to eliminate sleep apnea because I snored like a gentle purring kitten. Or a freight train, depending on your proximity to my sleeping self.

A few months after the surgery I was eating a chocolate covered cherry (as I am known to frequently do during the holidays) and I bent over to get a pan out of a lower kitchen cabinet just as I swallowed my delicious cordial.

Instead of going down my throat like it was supposed to, it went up because I don't have that little mud flap (uvula) in the back of my throat. When I stood up, I thought my nose was running which is common with my chronic sinus and allergy problems. I wiped my nose with a tissue and saw that it was chocolate.

That's right. I had chocolate snot coming outta my nose. It was disgusting and fascinating.

Where was I going with that story? Oh. The beads. Right. Swallowing them was a not desirable thing to do but blowing them outta my nose was even less desirable.

I made my way to the bathroom, struggling not to gag on seed beads, then delicately spit the beads into a tissue. And then another tissue. And another. And 10 minutes after I thought I was done, I had to get yet another tissue. Gross, right?

When Jayson got home I was telling him about all the seed beads I had for lunch and I kid you not, another one magically appeared in my mouth. I guess it was hiding between teeth or something.

I have an appointment with my dentist today to get my pearly off-whites cleaned and polished and I'm a little nervous that the hygienist will find another hidden bead and think that I'm one of those freaky people who eats weird stuff. I'm totally not. In fact, I'm one of those freaky people who flosses every day.

And occasionally stores seed beads in her cheeks like a crafty chipmunk.