Monday, February 28, 2011

Oscar Gowns, Tablecloths, and Children

Since I want to fit in with the rest of the blogging community, I guess I'd better do my obligatory post about last night's Oscar attire. After all, I used to own 106 t-shirts so that should make me some kind of fashion expert. I should say that I didn't actually watch the program because, really, there's no need to. It's the same reason I don't watch the Super Bowl. The next day I will find out how it ended and any parts that were worth seeing will be online by then. Why waste my time watching several hours of programming when I can spend a few minutes hitting the highlights the next day? I call it good time management.

Instead of naming a best and worst dressed, which you can find for yourself all over the internet and no 2 sites will agree, I will just offer my commentary on my chosen victims. Let's start with the hosts.

I used to like James Franco before he became JAMES FRANCO. Now I can only tolerate him if he doesn't speak. Anne Hathaway is just precious, I don't care what she says or does.

I read that Anne had 7 costume changes during the show. That's impressive. Here they are in no particular order:
This gown is tragic.
Not very flattering.

This is beautiful.
Too 80s.
Another unflattering design.
She should have stayed in this all night.
It's fun. I get it. I hope it was the most hilarious thing ever otherwise it's just sad.
I'm not sure if this was before the show or after but it's another winner.

See? That wasn't so bad. I only make fun of people who really, really deserve it. Like Helena Bonham Carter. I like her as an actress. She does bizarre really, really well. But she's a notoriously bad dresser.

Bless her heart.
Here are a few more who could have chosen better:

Mandy Moore: Girl, this isn't prom.
Marisa Tormei: Unflattering and just ugly.
Mark Ruffalo's wife: No. Just, no.
Scarlet O'Hara's got nuthin' on these next gals. They have managed to make Oscar worthy frocks out of not only drapery, but tablecloths and cocktail napkins as well:

Melissa Leo's classy tablecloth could only be made better by one thing...
...a sneak peek at her uber chic tittoo.
Nicole, sweetie, pale girls shouldn't wear white.
I think Scarlett Johansson is gorgeous but this dress is not.
I couldn't help but notice the accessories a couple of the ladies were sporting. Some worked, some didn't.
Penelope's fashion accessory, called a Javier, is a fashion DO.
Melania is sporting an out of season, dried up fashion DON'T.
Since we're looking at men, let's look at some more.

Josh & Javier: I have no comment about what they're wearing. Just take a moment and admire.
Hugh is a big hunka eye candy but I have issues with his ears. They're abnormal and I just can't get past that.
I don't even know who this guy is but I hope he fired his stylist. That tux is heinous.
Christian Bale I have admired you since Empire of The Sun but from the neck up you look like a homeless person.
Justin Timberlake was well dressed but his mother was not. She should have worn something more age appropriate.
Russel Brand's mom was a vision of loveliness but he was so not.
Hello, I'm Giorgos Lanthimos and these are my dates: Cheekbones and Jawline.  
I think I'll end my post with some youngsters. The first one is 14 year old Hailee Steinfeld. Her dress is beautiful and age appropriate.
I want to hug her mother.
And then we have Madonna and her 14 year old daughter Lourdes. The only positive thing I can say is thank God someone finally took a weedeater to that girl's eyebrows.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
And finally, my favorite young couple from the evening. I'm a little out of touch with youngsters these days so I don't know who this couple is but my heart goes out to them. I could imagine their lives are not easy. I don't necessarily condone their choices but I do believe that lesbian couples are deserving of the same love and respect as everyone else. 
You Go Girls!!

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