Sunday, August 08, 2010

Swimsuit Trauma, Gangsta Shorts, and Clinton's Propeller Beanie

Typical for the Greens, we planned to start our Arkansas vacation at 10 this morning but didn't actually hit the road until 11:30…which is a good half our ahead of our usual lateness.  I guess it's mostly my fault since I don't plan ahead well, but I did hit the ground running early this morning.  There was no dawdling, just lots to do.  I had to finish washing clothes, clean out the fridge, notify the neighbors, make arrangements for the dog, make ALL the travel arrangements, secure the house, then try to remember to pack my own stuff.  Jayson & Taylor just throw some clothes into a bag and they're done.  I asked Taylor if she had everything together and she said, "I have make up, underwear and big hoop earrings.  That's all I need."  Jayson does try to help me by saying "let's go!" about every 10 minutes.  Maybe he thinks that will make my hair dry faster but actually it just makes me want to do everything in exaggerated slow motion.

I knew we would need to take swimsuits on our trip but I must have put up some kind of mental block about it because I know that I can't get one thigh into the suit I have but I didn't bother shopping for another on.  I tried mine on just to be sure and confirmed that indeed, I resembled a tube of toothpaste that had been squeezed from the middle.  Jayson asked me what was wrong after I tossed my suit back into the dresser and slammed the drawer shut.  I explained to him how my swimsuit had shrunk therefore I couldn't take it on the trip.  He said that was no big deal, we'd just buy one along the way.  He walked out of the room before I could go into my tirade about how completely insane that suggestion was.  Does he really think I can just pop into Wal Mart, grab a suit off the rack and be good to go?! I am a 44 year old woman!!!  Buying a swimsuit requires weeks, if not months, of preparation.  I have to whine and complain about it first, that's a must.  Then I have to pre-shop online to prepare myself for the kind of trauma I will face in the store.  Then my friends and loved ones will have to gather 'round and pray for me.  They'll lay hands on me to cast out the cellulite demons and break the bondage of a poor self image. Then of course I will have to wait for a sale because I never, ever buy anything full price.  I will tell myself that if I wait until the clearance sales at the end of the season I can get a really good deal on a nice suit that will last.  Then when the end of the season rolls around I will work up the courage to actually go shopping by self medicating until I'm so numb that a root canal sounds like a happy adventure.  I'll go to the swimsuit store, flip through the extremely picked over selection of suits on the clearance rack, then complain about how they never have my size.  To be honest, no one has my size because not only is my top side a different size than my bottom side, my left side is a different size than my right side.  I have never owned a swimsuit that fit right and probably never will.  This doesn't stop me from blaming the store for not having something to fit me on the clearance rack so I go home empty handed vowing to try again next season.  The swimsuit I have is 9 years old, if that tells you how long I've been using this shopping method.

I was almost ready to go when I glanced at Jayson and saw what he was wearing.  Normally he does a pretty good job of dressing himself mainly because most of his clothes are mix and match.  That is not by accident.  Occasionally some rogue piece of clothing will throw off our system and he chose one of those pieces today.  It was a pair knee length black satiny shorts with silver on the sides.  I'm not sure where they came from, but I can usually tolerate them when he wears them around the house.  Today he paired his UFC gangsta homeboy shorts with a nice, maroon colored golf shirt with big cream colored Hawaiian flowers on it.  It was a painful ensemble.  I wanted to take a picture but didn't want to hurt his feelings so I'm blogging about it instead.

We got in the car and when we pulled out of the driveway the Garmin started telling us how to get out of our subdivision.  Jayson immediately went off on her yelling about how she doesn't even know where we're going yet!  I grabbed it before he could throw it out the window and programmed our first stop in Texarkana.

We did the whole straddle the state line line thing, grabbed some lunch then headed for Hope, Arkansas, the birthplace of Bill Clinton and the home of the largest watermelon ever grown.  I really didn't care about the Clinton thing, but I sure had hoped we could see the replica of that watermelon.  Apparently Hope is closed on Sundays so we couldn't see the watermelon.  But the good news is that we will be driving back through on our way home next Saturday which also happens to be the 34th annual Watermelon Festival in Hope!  How lucky are we?!  We're penciling that into our vacation agenda.

We strolled around in the yard of Clinton's first home for a while, sitting in his porch swing, and admiring the tricycle that I can picture him riding wearing a 3 piece suit and a propeller beanie.  There were some other interesting photo ops around Hope, you'll have to check my Facebook Photos to see them all.

Jayson and Taylor have gone in search of food and I'm so tired I might be asleep by the time they get back. I'm looking forward to tooling around Hot Springs tomorrow.  It's a very clean and beautiful resort type city but the Green Family is here to keep it real, know what I'm sayin'?  I wouldn't say that we're white trash or anything like that.  In fact, we're so classy that we rotate the tires on our house at least every 2 years.

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