Saturday, February 18, 2012

Snot Pots and Gross Girlie Issues

I feel the need to discuss deeply personal and really gross body functions such as snot and really chunky periods so if that bothers you avert your delicate eyes now.

I think I'll start at the top and work my way down. I've been have some sinus issues lately. Well, "lately" meaning ever since we moved back to Texas. I had sinus issues for the first 35 years that I lived here but they virtually disappeared during the 8 years we lived in South Louisiana, which makes no sense to me. I really thought my allergies and sinus problems would get worse with all the vegetation down there but they actually got better. Go figure.

Obviously there is some allergen native to my home state that I am sensitive to. I thought it might be dust since there was plenty of that in Wichita Falls where I grew up. But now I live in Houston which has a climate very similar to South Louisiana and I'm still having issues. I may have to find me an allergy doctor and get back on shots but I want to exhaust every other alternative before I do that.

I've pretty much run the gambit of over-the-counter sinus/allergy medicines. I've even tried the heavy duty decongestants that I'm not supposed to take because of my blood pressure. I will admit I haven't tried all the homeopathic remedies but I figure they're all pretty much like a placebo anyway. If you believe in them they'll work. If you don't they won't.

Yesterday I picked up one of these snot pots. I know everyone but me has probably already tried it but I've resisted because I don't like the thought of pouring water up my nose. I don't like it when it gets up my nose when I go swimming so why would I intentionally put it there??

There were several brands and styles to choose from but I chose this one because it came with a "Try Me Free" rebate. I just send in my receipt and the bar code and they send me back the full purchase price. Plus I like the pleasant little teapot shape as opposed to this one which reminds me of Sherlock Holmes's pipe:

Then there's this design which looks like one of those hospital pee bottles for men:

I have a friend who uses this one which might as well be a diner ketchup bottle:

So for me it's not about function so much as form. That's just how I roll.

Past experience has told me that whatever I put up my nose will definitely come out my mouth. That's just because of the way our bodies are designed but it's also because I'm missing the little mud flap thing in the back of my throat due to a surgical procedure called a uvulopalatopharyngoplasty which was performed in conjunction with a septoplasty and rhinoplasty. Yes, I had a nose job but like every other woman who has had a nose job we insist it was done on a whim while we had some other sinus/nasal procedure. In my case it was sort of a buy 2 get 1 free type situation.

I'll never forget my surgical consultation with my doctor. We talked at length about what all the problems were and he drew me little pictures on a note pad explaining everything what would be done. I was in agreement with everything he suggested and at the end he looked at me and said, "Sooooo, Mrs. Green, since we're going to be performing several procedures in there anyway, is there.....anything else you'd like to have done??" as he waved his pen in front of my nose in a circular motion as if it was a magic wand.

Okay fine, I had a little bit of excess nose. I'm Lebanese AND Jewish, how could I not?? I explained to the surgeon that I did not want a cute little perky supermodel nose. I wanted my own nose, just smaller. We agreed that he could achieve that by just gently shaving about 6" off the top.

So anyway, I don't have a uvula. Normally I don't even notice it but I do remember the first time I became aware of its absence. It was probably less than a year post-surgery and it must have been during Christmas because I was eating these and I only do that during the holidays:
I was my kitchen about to cook something and I had popped a cherry cordial into my mouth then bent over to dig a cookie sheet out of a cabinet. When I stood up I felt my nose run so I grabbed a paper towel and dabbed at what I thought would be snot but it wasn't. It was chocolate. I guess I swallowed while I was bent over and gravity forced some of my chocolate covered cherry up instead of down so I had a cordial coming out of my nose. It was hilarious and horrifying.

Back to the snot pot, I used it and did indeed get backwash in my mouth but I was just thankful that it didn't go anywhere else. It would not have surprised me to have it coming out of my tear ducts as well.

At the same time I bought the snot pot, I also had to pick up some girlie supplies for me and Taylor. I had some girlie issues about a year ago and had surgery which you can read about in excruciating detail here. Basically I was having a lot of random excessive bleeding and the surgery took care of that for almost a year. Now it's back.

I had a D & C so I know my uterus is practically clean enough to eat off of. But there is the issue of recurring ovarian cysts. I'm pretty sure this is what I'm having right now. They show up, they pop, they bleed then another one shows up, pops, bleeds, etc. There's no pain at all and I told my doctor since I've been down this road before I'm pretty sure that's all it is so I'm not inclined to go poking around looking for trouble. She agreed and said the good news is that it's not uncommon during perimenopause. The bad news is that could last another 10 years.

As if the random bleeding every 3 or 4 days throughout the month isn't bad enough, my regularly scheduled monthly hemorrhaging has gone nuclear. It's so bad for the first 3 days that I can't leave my house. They don't make a feminine product that can handle the kind of output I'm experiencing. I'm seriously considering adult diapers. Not only is the volume shocking but the content is as well. I swear it looks like a can of cherry pie filling only much darker. I know that's gross but imagine how I feel.

I have a couple of friends who use the Diva Cup and they absolutely love it. I've been tempted to try it but I've hesitated for a couple of reasons. It costs over $30 and that's a lot of money to waste if I don't like it. Plus, it's environmentally friendly since you just wash it and reuse it so that's great but...yuck. Remember O.B. tampons with no applicator? I guess they're still around but again...yuck.

Obviously the yuck factor weighs heavily in my feminine protection decisions. As I was staring at my available options in the girlie products aisle, I noticed one that I had not seen before. It's called the Softcup. It's basically a disposable Diva Cup. They make a reusable version which would be just like a Diva Cup but the disposable one you can wear for 12 hours then toss it. This intrigued me. And the picture on the front of the box made me laugh because it looks like a little pink rimmed condom for your cervix.

I haven't had the opportunity to try the Softcup yet but I will be sure to report back when I do. In case you're wondering, one box of 14 Softcups cost about the same as the giant box of super duper plus plus plus tampons. I also bought a tiny box of junior extra light day tampons for Taylor which will last her about 6 months. Yes, I'm jealous.  I don't know why she doesn't just use a Q-tip.

1 comment:

SkylersDad said...

I believe this is post #145 in a series called "Damn I'm glad I'm a guy"!