Monday, October 18, 2010

The Hooker Grandma

Today I went to a very nice wedding shower for a friend who is getting married in December.  The invitation said, "Please join us in showering..." which made me feel like I should be showing up with a bar of soap and a loofah.

Dressing for these occasions is always a struggle for me.  I would prefer to wear nice jeans with a nice top and some nice shoes.  All of my jeans either have paint on them or a hole in them, my nice tops are clinging a little too tightly to that second belly roll I am nurturing, and my nice shoes hurt my bunions.

About once every year or so I will wear a dress or skirt if I happen to have one that fits and it isn't too hideously out of style.  As I was dressing for the shower this afternoon, I remembered a skirt and top that I bought recently and thought it might be cute shower wear.

The skirt is long, brown, full and stretchy.  The top is long, tan, full and stretchy.  My kinda clothes.  Then I got all excited because I remembered my new hooker boots that I haven't had a chance to wear yet!  They're black so I knew they would go with my earthy ensemble.

I put on the outfit and immediately felt a little too....full and stretchy.  It wasn't working for me and Taylor agreed. 

I ditched the skirt and replaced it with some long, brown, full and stretchy pants.  That was an improvement but it didn't look right with the boots and I had my heart set on wearing them so I ditched the pants.

Then I put the skirt back on and pulled it up under my armpits to shorten it, I replaced the tan shirt with a multi colored one that I frequently wear with jeans and I added a pair of brown tights.  Taylor said it just had too much going on...which I took to mean that it made me look fat.  So I yanked the skirt back down to my waist but the pained looked on Taylor's face told me that it didn't help.

At that point I was already 10 minutes past my targeted departure time so I had to make a fast decision.  I took off the skirt, put the tan shirt back on, zipped up my boots and asked Taylor to tell me honestly if it looked like I forgot to put on pants.  I have a recurring nightmare where I am either pantless or completely naked in public and I am so mortified that I can barely function but no one around me seems to even notice.  That is definitely one nightmare I do NOT care to live out in real life.

Taylor assured me that I did not look pantless and she had to reassure me several times that the shirt/dress (which is what it was intended to be) was not obscenely short.  She said since I was wearing tights, it was okay.  Once again I asked her to tell me honestly if it looked bad or inappropriate or anything.  She said, "no, you just look like a cross between a hooker and grandma".

I was temporarily stunned that my daughter would say something so disgustingly vulgar about her mother and I made her apologize immediately for saying I looked like a grandma.

I still felt extremely self-conscious and couldn't bring myself to leave the house without something besides tights on my lower extremities.  A quick tour of my closet reverified that I have no other skirts or pants (that still fit me) that would work with this outfit.

In a flash of brilliance I thought, bike shorts!  A pair of bike shorts would give me the security I needed without even showing.  No one would know I was wearing them!  Unfortunately, I don't own a pair of black bike shorts.  I own a pair of neon red bike shorts.  So I wore a pair of neon red bike shorts under my stylish, flowing tan shirt/dress.

I felt fully dressed and didn't have to worry about causing an R rating if I happened to drop my napkin at the shower.

3 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Let me give you my unbiased guy opinion, you get an official yowza!

Thanks for dropping by over at my place.

Shannon Green said...

I know...neon spanx are hot. My kneecaps have held up well if I do say so myself. They don't look a day over 40.

Mayn said...

You are now on the fashion police's felony list.