Dressing for these occasions is always a struggle for me. I would prefer to wear nice jeans with a nice top and some nice shoes. All of my jeans either have paint on them or a hole in them, my nice tops are clinging a little too tightly to that second belly roll I am nurturing, and my nice shoes hurt my bunions.
About once every year or so I will wear a dress or skirt if I happen to have one that fits and it isn't too hideously out of style. As I was dressing for the shower this afternoon, I remembered a skirt and top that I bought recently and thought it might be cute shower wear.
I put on the outfit and immediately felt a little too....full and stretchy. It wasn't working for me and Taylor agreed.
I ditched the skirt and replaced it with some long, brown, full and stretchy pants. That was an improvement but it didn't look right with the boots and I had my heart set on wearing them so I ditched the pants.
Then I put the skirt back on and pulled it up under my armpits to shorten it, I replaced the tan shirt with a multi colored one that I frequently wear with jeans and I added a pair of brown tights. Taylor said it just had too much going on...which I took to mean that it made me look fat. So I yanked the skirt back down to my waist but the pained looked on Taylor's face told me that it didn't help.
At that point I was already 10 minutes past my targeted departure time so I had to make a fast decision. I took off the skirt, put the tan shirt back on, zipped up my boots and asked Taylor to tell me honestly if it looked like I forgot to put on pants. I have a recurring nightmare where I am either pantless or completely naked in public and I am so mortified that I can barely function but no one around me seems to even notice. That is definitely one nightmare I do NOT care to live out in real life.
Taylor assured me that I did not look pantless and she had to reassure me several times that the shirt/dress (which is what it was intended to be) was not obscenely short. She said since I was wearing tights, it was okay. Once again I asked her to tell me honestly if it looked bad or inappropriate or anything. She said, "no, you just look like a cross between a hooker and grandma".
I was temporarily stunned that my daughter would say something so disgustingly vulgar about her mother and I made her apologize immediately for saying I looked like a grandma.
I still felt extremely self-conscious and couldn't bring myself to leave the house without something besides tights on my lower extremities. A quick tour of my closet reverified that I have no other skirts or pants (that still fit me) that would work with this outfit.
In a flash of brilliance I thought, bike shorts! A pair of bike shorts would give me the security I needed without even showing. No one would know I was wearing them! Unfortunately, I don't own a pair of black bike shorts. I own a pair of neon red bike shorts. So I wore a pair of neon red bike shorts under my stylish, flowing tan shirt/dress.
I felt fully dressed and didn't have to worry about causing an R rating if I happened to drop my napkin at the shower.
3 comments:
Let me give you my unbiased guy opinion, you get an official yowza!
Thanks for dropping by over at my place.
I know...neon spanx are hot. My kneecaps have held up well if I do say so myself. They don't look a day over 40.
You are now on the fashion police's felony list.
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