Eau de Rotten Eggs

Dear Makers of Tarn-X,

I love your product. I really do. In fact it is my favorite toxic household chemical. I love the way it creates beautiful and unexpected patinas on the metals I use to make jewelry. You know, all those metals that the warning label says not to use it on. It even outperforms the chemicals that are marketed for patina purposes.

And, of course, Tarn-X is my go-to carcinogen for polishing Grandma's silver. Nothing works better or is easier to use. I can't imagine how people used to polish their intricately detailed silver before your product came along. It must have been a living hell for them.

I just have one teensy little issue to talk to you about. It's not even a complaint really, more like a suggestion. As a faithful Tarn-X user, I would really love to see your company develop some other fragrance options for your product. I'm sure there are those who love the current rotten-egg-left-under-the-seat-of-a-'72-Pinto-parked-in-Death-Valley-for-two-years aroma, but I am not one of them.

I get the whole "chemical reaction" thing. I know there's some kind of magic that takes place when Tarn-X touches silver that causes an enhancement of its pungency. But seriously, you people are in the chemical biz. There must be something you can do to change that odious emanation.

A Tropical Breeze fragrance would be nice, or Clean Linen is one of my favorites. Even plain old Lemon would be an improvement, for Pete's sake. This stuff has singed off all my nose hairs which seemed like a good thing at first but then I thought there might be a good reason for them being there in the first place so I might need some of them (the shortest ones) back.

Sincerely yours,
Shannon Green