Thursday, January 19, 2012

Big Bad John

I would like you to meet the newest member of the Green family: John. John Deer. Get it?

Jayson ended John's sweet little life then spent a small fortune having him stuffed and mounted so that he could sit in our garage for 4 years while we argued over the best place to hang him.

Looking back, I'm not exactly sure why this was an argument. Well it wasn't a "real" argument, just a difference of opinions. The thing is, I make all the decorating decisions for our house. All of them. This works for us because Jayson really doesn't care what color the walls are or if the fabric on the dining room chairs matches the rug.

There have been times I have chosen things that he didn't particularly care for but that situation is desirable compared to what would happen if he chose something I didn't care for. Compromise is out of the question because I don't believe it really exists. Think about it. When you compromise someone is still getting what they want and someone else isn't. They're just not as cranky about it as they were before.

If I painted a room a color Jayson didn't like he would say, "This color sucks." And that would be the end of it. If he painted a room a color that I didn't like I would say, "This color sucks. I can't believe that out of all the colors available you picked this one. Why did you pick it? Did the person at the store pick it for you? Were you wearing sunglasses and didn't realize how hideous it was? Do you know how much Kilz it will take to paint over this?? You should have called me, I could have told you exactly which color we like..." And I would say this daily. For as long as the room stayed that color. Which would probably be less than 24 hours.

I realize this might not work for all couples but it works for us. I don't tell him what kind of battery to buy for the car and he doesn't tell me how to decorate the house. Oh wait, I guess I do tell him what kind of car battery to buy. Well I'm sure there is some decision out there that I let Jayson make on his own and I will describe it as soon as I think of it.

As I was cleaning and preparing John for his new home a little piece of him fell off. I'm not sure what it was but it was between his nose and upper lip (if deer have lips) and I'm calling it a piece of taxidermy modeling putty and definitely not petrified deer flesh. I don't even know if taxidermists use putty but if they don't please don't tell me. I had to super glue it back on and color in the gaps with a Sharpie so believing that it's just a piece of modeling clay is the only thing keeping me from hurling.

I'm hanging John in our foyer in the middle of a two story wall. That means I had to wrestle with the ladder-from-hell. You know, one of those big tall ones that folds into 4 sections and you can configure it a dozen different ways and it weights 100 pounds and pinches off a finger every time you use it? Yeah, that one.

Then I had to find a stud and all us girls know there is never a stud around when you really need one. Here is what happened the last time I went looking for a stud:

Fortunately I nailed it (heh) this time. I was a little concerned about teetering at the top of a 12' ladder with a nail in my mouth because I have a friend, whom I will respectfully keep anonymous, that swallowed one that way. And then she had to see it through to completion, if you know what I mean. Thankfully, I did manage to get my nail in the stud without ingesting any hardware.

Now I have a dead deer head on my wall. Yay me. I don't like the dead deer head, I never wanted it in the house but Jayson likes it, he's proud of it and he wanted it hung so I hung it. I'm just a giver that way. However, I can only tolerate John's presence if I'm allowed to fru fru him up a little. Right now he is wearing a lovely pair of vintage rhinestone earrings with a vintage tiered necklace that makes him look ready for a Spring time garden party! I can't wait to dress him for Halloween.

Wait, I've got it! I knew I'd think of a decision that was all Jayson's. I let him make the decision to move us from Louisiana back to Texas. My home state. Where all my family is. The Promised Land. My Mecca. Yep, that was all him. See? We share in the decision making.

Enjoy this little ditty from Jimmy Dean. Before the sausages.


Lisa Ledet said...

Oh my friend, I am shocked that you hung a dead deer head in your foyer of all places. I think your 900 sq ft closet would be a better option, on Jayson's side of course. But I am quite pleased (and not surprised AT ALL) that you adorned John Deer with glitzy accessories. Good job. How did Jayson feel about that?

Shannon Green said...

He doesn't know yet. Heh.

donnaj said...

Now i'll have "big bad john" stuck in my head for days...
love his earrings though~
your "anonymous friend"